I woke up and looked over to my husband, Mike, sleeping next to me. “Glad I got you,” I whispered. He gave me a big warm smile, “Mmm, glad I got you too.” He reached his arm around my waist and pulled me close. You would not have believed that we had just had an argument the night before. But we did. I wanted him to understand why what he said was so hurtful. I told him he was insensitive, he defended himself, I got more frustrated. He listed all the times I had been insensitive to him. It only made me feel more alone and misunderstood. For 10 minutes we were like two lawyers arguing our cases. Then suddenly Mike reached out and removed a chunk of chocolate from my cheek. I started laughing. “Aren’t you on a diet?” Mike said. “Yes, I ate strawberries.” “Oh, I think the strawberries were covered with chocolate.” Mike said through his laughter. We both laughed. “Come here sweetheart, you are so cute. I love you.” I curled into his arms. After a moment I said, “Mike, I want you to understand why this issue is so important to me. I am not asking you to change your perspective, but to just understand my perspective.” “I love you Sharon, I want to understand you... I will try listen and not defend myself.” We then had a twenty minute ‘heart-to-heart’ conversation with me sharing what was at the core of my hurt and frustration. He listened. I felt heard and understood. He shared his heart and perspective. I listened. We talked back and forth for a while. We realized we agreed on some aspects, disagreed on others, willing to compromise on some. We comforted each other. We found ways to do things differently. We moved on to the rest of our evening.

Marriage is hard work. We have to constantly be growing in two areas: 1.) growing as a person, and, 2.) growing in how we love and cherish the spouse God has entrusted to us. Knowing how to stop our arguments from going sideways requires growth in both areas: learning how to express our hearts while respecting and caring for our spouse.

My research as a marriage specialist, as well as research by other psychologists, such as John Gottman, has found that key to a lasting marriage is whether or not a couple can move from a ‘negative’ way of arguing to a more ‘respectful’ way of sharing one’s perspective and heart. A couple is then able to turn toward each other instead of away.

How do you make an argument go sideways? The following are from my experience as a marriage counselor as well as John Gottman’s research on what makes a marriage fail:

1. If you have a complaint or hurt to tell your husband, start the conversation with a ‘negative tone’ or a ‘negative attitude.’ You know the one! 

2. Start talking about the problem in terms of something being wrong with your husband. As though the problem is a symptom of your husband’s inadequate character.

3. Watch how your husband reacts with defensiveness, which will escalate the argument.

4. Then give your husband a look that says, “I just don’t believe you could do that (or say that)! What is wrong with you? I am disgusted in you!” Maybe add an insult or call him a name.

5. You and your husband will then get stuck in an argument pattern…you will pursue him to get him to admit he is wrong and you are right, he will instead defend himself to get you to admit you are wrong and he is right. Eventually you will each emotionally disconnect. You get ‘gridlocked’ over the issue. 

6. If you keep arguing this way, you won’t resolve anything, you will just have a list of ‘hot topics’ that trigger a very strong and powerful pattern of arguing. And to you he will become an aloof, uninvolved, independent, uncaring roommate. To him you will become a nagging, negative wife he has to put up with. This will not lead to an emotionally connected marriage.

What are healthier ways to get your spouse to understand your perspective? In other words, what is a healthier way to discuss the difficult topics?

1. The first 3 minutes of your conversation will make or break your night. The first 3 minutes of a discussion determines how the rest of the discussion will go. So if you start the discussion in a harsh way, there is a 96% chance that the conflict will escalate and the conversation will end on a negative note. So when your husband has done something you don’t appreciate or you need to talk about a ‘hot issue’, start the conversation with a gentle spirit, normal tone and volume of voice.

2. Key is not trying to ‘resolve’ the hot issues in your marriage, but rather to find a respectful and productive way to discuss them. Most of the issues you argue about are ‘perpetual issues’ that will never be solved anyway. These are ‘personality differences’ or ‘lifestyle preferences’ such as you are an extrovert and your husband is an introvert, or you frugal and hubby wants to buy every new gadget. There is a 69% chance that what you and your husband are arguing about today are the same topics you argued about 4 years ago.

3. How you talk about the difficult topics, impacts the quality of your marriage. When you have stopped trying to understand your husband’s heart and have instead become a lawyer trying to convince him to admit that you are right and he is wrong – know that your argument has become dangerous to your marriage! Try get out of a ‘lawyer argument’ and move toward a ‘respectful dialogue.’ When you find you are stuck in a going-no-where argument, stop! Ask your husband if you could do a ‘start-over.’ Say: “Sweetheart, I am sorry, I want you to understand my point, I don’t want to be rude. I want to start over, can we take a break and come back and talk about this in a different way?”

4. When upset, slow the conversation down and talk from your heart not your anger. Tell your husband why this topic or issue is so important for you, what meaning does it have for you? What do you wish for him to understand? What do you hope for? Studies show that 86% of couples who had conversations such as this, were able to move from gridlock to dialogue. For example: You might say: “Tough if you don’t like dinner! You try work all day & make dinner while helping kids do homework, you are so ungrateful, selfish, I don’t believe you.” Instead say: “I was so hurt when you said dinner was lousy. I work hard to please the family. I feel you don’t value all I do, I feel I am failing and not good enough. I know the dinner was burnt. I would like to hear you say that you see my efforts and value me even when everything doesn’t come out right.”

5. Remember: humor and affection can melt the tense moments and give you a chance to stop an argument from going sideways.